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PART 1 PART 3 PART 4
It was silent in the apartment other than the thunderous roll of water boiling in the kettle. Derek waited for it to click off, then poured water into two mugs on the counter.
“I believe you,” he said, “For the record.”
He discarded the tea bags into the bin and poured milk into the tea.
“You don’t have to,” I said, “I know it’s crazy.”
I hugged the blanket I had taken from the couch tight around my shoulders. I was too shaken to change out of my damp clothes, the only heat I was getting was from the blanket, the old radiator, and the steam from the mug of tea Derek placed in front of me.
“You don’t have to believe me,” I reiterated, “I know you probably don’t even believe in Hell. Much less that they’d be recruiting in Cork.” I took a gulp of tea and burnt the roof of my mouth. My eyes welled with tears.
Derek look unphased. His skin looked sallow under his eyes, now that the tears had dried. He stared into his mug of tea.
“No, I do believe you. I don’t know if I believe in Hell, really. Or Heaven. I’ve just never thought about it. But I do believe in strange things, things we can’t really see and don’t want to see. I know you believe in that, too. And what happened tonight was strange, but I think it’s real.”
I gulped. My hands felt clammy around the mug. Derek had seen the woman, Mary, pull me over the guardrail into the river. For him, it seemed as if I had disappeared but for a few minutes. But, to me, I had been ferried down the river and given a job interview for a position in Hell only to be returned to the very spot I’d disappeared from. I wanted to grapple with how inexplicable this was, but we had both experienced this breach in the limits of reason – of time, of realms, and of reality. It seemed easier to accept that the reality we had lived in for the past twenty-nine years had just been shattered.
“When I was at, uh, the interview,” I said quietly, “He seemed to know everything about me. He knew my name, he knew that – I don’t know if you know this, actually – that I still speak to my Nan even though she’s dead.”
Derek nodded, “I know,” he said, “I heard you talking in your room a couple times after she died. It genuinely sounded like someone else was there.”
He locked eyes with me now, looking up from the reflection in his mug. His jaw was set.
“That’s why I know this is real,” he said, “I know you see things that other people don’t. If there’s a Hell, or some magical place, it would make sense that they want you on their team. You see everything.”
I nodded, taking another sip of my tea. I wondered what it meant that Hell wanted me. Did it mean I was evil? Bad and unfeeling enough to work for the archetype of an evil place?
Just then, our housemate, Lily, came into the kitchen. She spent most of her day smoking fags and herbal cigarettes out the window, only coming down to make pasta at odd hours. She was dressed, as always, in a purple satin nightgown that clung to her stomach and slipped down her arms like she was about do a striptease. Her hair was piled up in a disheveled bun.
“Woah,” she said, “You okay? You look shook up.”
“I’m grand,” I lied, clenching my lips together in a forced smile, “Just got caught out in the rain, that’s all.”
Derek helped me peel off my damp clothes and get into the shower. I savored the three minutes of hot water, feeling it trickle down my back and legs, droplets collecting on the fine hairs of my arms that were crossed firmly across my stomach.
My mind whirred when I got into bed and Derek turned the lights off. Cloaked in darkness, my stomach filled with dread at the idea of meeting Melvin again under the flashing streetlamp. My head was filled with plans to get out of the situation, my thoughts flipping one after the other like a rolodex.
As much as I was consumed by electric panic, I could not deny that a small corner of brain was excited with the power I now wielded, whatever it may be.
The next day, I woke up early and sat at the kitchen table violently shaking over my cup of tea. My eyes refused to focus on anything. About an hour later, Derek stumbled in, pushing his fingers through his knotted, rumpled hair.
“You alright?” he said groggily. I could not bring myself to answer him.
“Ready for your big day?” he tried again, as if he was referring to Debs or a graduation.
“I’m just not really sure what I’ve gotten myself into, to be honest,” I whispered. Steam curled up from my cup of tea even though it had sat untouched for a good part of the last hour.
“You could always blow it off and come to that gig with me,” Derek suggested.
“Oh, shit,” I said, “I forgot that was on tonight, I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright,” he said, opening the fridge, “I’m sure they’ll be playing another time.”
Fifteen minutes before sunset that evening, we left the house. Derek was wearing his leather jacket that had been a staple during college but now hardly made an appearance. I had convinced him to go to the gig without me; knowing that he was enjoying himself in some dimly lit venue would inevitably help me get through my first day on the job in Hell.
This time, we made a beeline towards the streetlamp in question. I could see it flickering from up the street now, cautiously illuminating the painted dragon on the front of the Japanese café across the road. As we approached, I saw Melvin underneath, wearing a tan, canvas trench coat over another coordinating suit – this one made out of a deep, satiny burgundy material.
When he saw us, he checked his watch. “On time, I suppose,” he said.
His eyes flickered to me, then to Derek, then back to me, “I don’t suppose this mortal boy will be joining us this evening?” he said gruffly.
“No,” I said, turning to Derek. He gave me a bone-squeezing hug and I clung back as if my life depended on it.
“I’ll be at the gig, but I’ll have my phone on me the whole time if you need to ring me,” he whispered.
“I don’t even know if I’ll have service, but don’t worry,” I reassured him. His eyes were wide and worried, but in a strange way he seemed proud of me.
“Off you go,” I said, giving his arm one last squeeze. He nodded at me, and then at Melvin, and sauntered off into the dusk.
Melvin didn’t say a word, just watched Derek recede down the street until he was satisfied that he was far enough away.
“Right,” he said, “Now we can get to work.”
He produced a thin, leather briefcase from behind him and set it down to unlatch it. Inside were a smattering of papers and bound reports. He handed me a shiny, laminated manual with cheap, plastic binding. The Delivering Process: A How-to Guide for New Recruits it read.
“There’s some light reading for you,” he said, “Now, our first soul should be arriving soon.”
I looked at him plainly with the manual perched in my hands. “What do you mean, soul?” I asked.
“You’ll see, they’ll look normal to you,” he said, fishing a carton of pre-rolled cigarettes from his coat pocket and lighting one.
“Shit! I nearly forgot,” he exclaimed, bending back down to fish something else out of the suitcase. His lit cigarette bobbed in his mouth, the illuminated tip bouncing around like a buoy in the dark sea.
He pulled a piece of smooth, rounded wood out of his briefcase and handed it to me. It was a skull – or, rather, a mask in the shape of a skull. It had two small eyeholes and grey, circular teeth attached to the bottom. It looked ancient and tribal.
“You have to wear this,” he said.
I stared at the primal-looking relic of death in my hands. “Wait,” I said, “Am I, like, the grim reaper?”
Melvin looked at me with an air of disgust, flicking the ash off his cigarette.
“Don’t be so conservative,” he said, “Plus, I find scythes a little dated, don’t you think?”
I strapped the mask around my face just as someone approached the streetlamp. It was a younger man, maybe late twenties or early thirties, with a jagged haircut and a long, languid walk like he was drunk.
“Alright,” he greeted us as he stood under the sporadic light of the streetlamp, “How are things?”
Melvin gave him a once-over.
“Can I have a fag?” the man asked, gesturing at Melvin’s cigarette.
“No,” Melvin said, “Open your mouth.”
The man obeyed, revealing a mouthful of chipped and silver teeth, some missing.
“Check under his tongue,” Melvin instructed me.
I shivered and wiped my hands on my jeans.
“Can you lift your tongue, please?” I asked him hesitantly, like I was a teenage dental hygienist.
He lifted his pink tongue to reveal a flash of gold nestled in the crevice of his gummy soft palate.
“Pick it up,” Melvin instructed.
I reached into his mouth and pulled out a coin webbed with strings of saliva.
“This coin pays for his passage to the other side,” Melvin said, “Flip it over to see what’s on it.”
I flipped it, getting mucous-y spit on my fingers. On the other side a five-pointed star was engraved in circle.
“He has the pentacle etched into his coin, so he’s going to Heaven,” Melvin said, “When there’s no pentacle, that means they’re ours to take to Hell.”
I rubbed the coin between my fingers. It was smooth and striated. I could see the diffused reflection of the flickering streetlamp in it.
“The problem arises when a soul arrives to you without a coin,” Melvin said in a slow, cautionary tone, “Sure, we’ve been having that problem a lot recently. It means that they’re not to be taken or, conversely, the coin has been taken from them. When that happens, you may need to call on the family of the soul. We’ve had a good amount of lowlife family members stealing coins from the dead and trying to pawn them off. That is not acceptable under any circumstances, for obvious reasons. It is up to you to retrieve the coin if it’s been stolen.”
Melvin then made a long sweeping gesture into the river. It was then that I noticed that the gondola – the boat Mary had forced me into the night before – was once again tethered to the stairs in the river. Its miniature Viking-esque masts bobbed up and down, looking at the current.
“Shall we?” Melvin asked.
The soul said nothing as we ferried him along the indigo river, Melvin and I standing near the helm of the little boat, taking turns rowing. I was acutely aware of the skeleton mask adhered to my face – the wood was soft and worn, melded to my face like the calcified hand of an ancient god. Instead of heading to the shipping container that was his office, Melvin explained, we were following the river all the way east to where it fed out to the sea.
The dim moonlight, obscured by a thick fog of clouds, made the scenery blur together in a dream-like montage. It was hard to make out anything definitively – I saw Blackrock Castle, its regal stones fused to the sky. Driftwood washing up along the beaches, leaving ripples of sand. The glint of sea glass along the shore, much nearer and brighter to us than the shuttered churches and homes that lay cloistered inland – it was very clear that these earthly mirages of daily life were of another world, laying far beyond our reach.
I looked back at the soul to see if he was perceiving this as well, and if he was frightened by the realization that this city may never be real to him again, but he seemed peaceful. He looked at the passing scenery reflectively, his hands folded in his lap, oversized brown trousers rippling in the night winds. Whatever he was leaving behind in that ghost-world that now lay behind the shore, it did not disturb him.
“Alright,” Melvin said abruptly, handing me the oar, “You see that blue spot on the horizon?”
I squinted through the eyeholes of my mask. An orb of light, like a star, reverberated at the edge of my vision.
“Yeah,” I said, “I see it.”
“Row us there. That’s where we make the hand-off.”
The oar split the water with ease. I rowed us forward towards the light, feeling giddy and powerful like a kid swimming belly-down on a kickboard. We were gliding along in a river that was ambivalent to space and time. As the little cliffs and sandy banks of the Lee gave way to the ocean, the tide seemed to pull us outward with intensity. Melvin kept smoothing his jacket as we got closer and closer to the blue light which now appeared flat and spread out like a bioluminescent pool. As we approached the edge of it, I noticed there was another boat in the middle.
“Alright, stop,” Melvin said, holding his hand up to halt me. I stopped rowing and felt the boat give way to the buoyant waves of water. We bobbed side to side on the surface.
Some distance away was the other boat, perfectly still. It was a gondola the same shape as ours, but only one person stood in it. They were wearing a mask, not like mine, but square almost like a welder’s helmet with a silver strip wrapping around the eyes. Affixed to their back, something silver glinted in the moonlight, like branches.
“I’ll take it from here,” Melvin said, motioning me to hand over the oar.
The blue light shimmered below us, like it was being lit by a moon underneath the sea. As we approached, the figure in the other boat remained motionless. So did the soul – he did not seem frightened by this otherworldly masked figure anymore than he had seemed frightened by me.
“Alright, we’ve got one for Heaven!” Melvin announced, a little too loudly.
The masked figure didn’t react as Melvin ushered the soul up and supported his shoulders as he stepped clumsily from one boat to the other.
With the soul transferred, the masked figure raised his oar and dipped it into the water.
Melvin looked decidedly at his watch, “Right, cheers. We’ll be seeing you later then,” he said, not making eye contact with the silver band where the figure’s eyes would be.
“Off we go,” he whispered to me and sliced the water with the oar, reeling us backwards.
Once we retreated from the glowing pool, I turned to Melvin.
“Who is that?” I said through clenched teeth.
“Ah, yes. That’s Heaven’s messenger, doesn’t talk much. Think your job, but Heaven.”
“Like, an angel?” I asked.
He turned around and shot me a concerned look mid-row.
“You’re quite wed to those kind of archetypes, aren’t you?” he said.
I shrugged. It was getting cold now.
When we docked beneath the streetlamp again, Melvin told me I should take the lead with the next soul. The mask was still securely tethered to my face; I could feel my cheekbones pressing against the wood of the skull.
I stood there, fists balled so that my nail dug into my palms, waiting for someone to arrive. I watched people crossing the bridge, one by one, trying to discern if any of them were headed to meet me. It was like waiting for a bus to come around the corner. Which one of these people would be the one I ferry to the afterlife – was there anything in their face that would give it away?
Melvin said nothing as I stared through the mist rising up from the river and settling around the low buildings. He stood under the light, chain smoking cigarettes and flicking the glowing, orange butts into the river where they fizzled out in a bubble of ash.
I was watching him partake in this ritual of lighting, taking purposeful drags, and flicking when I felt someone approaching me. I looked away from the bridge and over to the cement stairs – the same set that I had traipsed down two days in a row to meet my colleagues from Hell. There walked a boy with black hair, his cheekbones pushed out like he was biting the insides of his cheeks. He looked directly at me.
He was no more than 16 or 17 – though the dark made it difficult to tell. His black hair hung in jagged peaks around his face as he sauntered towards me. His eyes were watery, but they were dead set on me. He came to a stop under the flickering light. It cast long, diagonal shadows down his body like scars.
I looked to Melvin for reassurance, but he just nodded at me and flicked the ash from his cigarette. I balled my fists.
“Open your mouth,” I instructed the boy. My voice was quiet but firm.
He obeyed. His canine teeth were pointed, front teeth ridged where the enamel had eroded away.
“Lift your tongue.”
The gold coin was there but it looked dull and green in the shadow. There was nothing engraved on it. I took it in my fingers, shutting my eyes as I flipped it. I longed to see the safety of the pentacle etched on the other side. I wished to see it so badly that I burned its image into my vision hoping that I would manifest it when I opened my eyes. But when I looked, the other side was blank. I flipped it between my fingers again to make sure but nothing. This boy was going to Hell.
The breeze off the river seemed to garner a new chill. I was grateful that I was wearing the mask, for if I was not, the boy surely would’ve seen my face drop and surely guessed his fate.
“Get in the boat,” I said firmly, pointing to the gondola drifting on the water.
Melvin let me row the whole way, though my hands were unsteady and I kept unintentionally steering the boat from side to side. I tried not to glance back at the boy. He emitted an air of uneasiness that I could sense without looking at him. As we neared the mouth of the river, I turned to Melvin.
“So where do we, you know, hand off? Is it the same?” I asked, trying not to betray the boy’s destination.
“No,” Melvin sniffed, “This is your job. You are the messenger. Row out to where we were before and stop. I’ll tell you what to do.”
I obeyed him without another word. Briefly, it occurred to me that I may actually see Hell. How does one prepare for that kind of thing? I nearly dropped the oar into the river contemplating the esoteric realities of my new job.
Soon, we approached the blue, nebulous waters where I had given over the previous soul to the angel. However, we were still the only boat as far as the eye could see.
“Focus,” Melvin said, “Very hard. Close your eyes.”
I looked back at the boy, which I instantly regretted. His Adam’s apple was throbbing visibly, the only clue to his discomfort behind his stone expression. His face was twisted in determination, like he had been stabbed in battle and he was kneeling, clutching his insides, as he tried to die with honor.
I clenched my eyes, tight. Visions out of Dante’s Inferno burned behind my eyelids. I pictured the Hell I was delivering this boy into, the gnashing of teeth, all flames and fire and blood and muscle being ripped from bone. I thought about what he must have done to deserve such a thing, what I must have done to deserve the Devil as a colleague.
I heard a sound like water rushing over a dam, though there was nothing of the sort around. I opened my eyes and saw a crack in the world, mere inches in front of our boat. A black line stretched across the mouth of the river, currents of water folded into its depths the way pages fold into the spine of an open book.
The crack widened and widened, pushing us back and spilling water into the boat. It now resembled a waterfall on either side, mist rising up from an immense blackness.
The boat rocked and I looked to Melvin. My mouth was ajar although you could not see through the mask.
Melvin shrugged at my stupor, “This is it,” he said, “This is where we drop him.”
I turned to the boy. His pride was gone and now he looked at me in terror, his jet-black hair pasted to his face by the mist. He clutched the bottom of his shirt with both hands as he crumpled into the back of the boat.
“Th-this can’t be right,” he said, shaking his head feverishly.
“Sorry, boy!” Melvin offered, a little too enthusiastically to be sincere. He extended his leg and motioned to the boy with the tip of his dress shoe, “Up you go,” he said.
The boy was crying now, his façade shattered, and he slowly raised himself up from his knees with his hands firmly grasping the sides of the boat. He shifted his gaze up to me.
“Will it hurt?” he whimpered, glancing from my skull mask to the cavernous black depth before him.
“I don’t know,” I said, honestly. I looked at him a moment and then extended my hand to him.
“You can take my hand, if it helps,” I offered. He looked at me, then my hand intently. His sight hovered on my nails, which I forgot I had painted pale pink earlier that week. My office job didn’t appreciate us painting them bright colors.
He grasped my hand, his grip was damp and cold but firm with desperation. I planted one foot firmly on the front end of the boat, feeling it sway slightly beneath my weight. Melvin urged me to be careful. I envisioned the boat capsizing into the crater, the three of us tumbling down into the darkness for eternity.
The boy shuffled to the front of the boat. We teetered precariously on the edge of abandon, the bow teasingly lapping at the darkness.
“Are you ready?” I asked the boy. I gave his hand a maternal squeeze.
He looked at me, then bit his lower lip and nodded.
He put one foot out of the boat – feeling around on the air like he was trying to find the last step of a staircase in the dark. He let go of me and braced both of his hands on the side of the boat, slowly shifting his weight over.
In one movement, he swung his whole body over, releasing his grasp, and plummeted into the abyss. He cut through the air like a knife, arms straight by his sides like he was doing a pencil dive. The air rippled his black hair as he fell down, descending and descending until he was just a blip of flesh in the darkness and then nothing. It was like watching a rocket being launched into space – watching its tangibility slowly dissolve against a background of black infinite until it is so impossibly small you struggle to remember how real it was when it was right in front of you.
I braced myself to hear a thump of impact as the boy struck the bottom of the crevice, but it never came. I looked to Melvin, conscious there were now tears welled in my eyes.
“Well, we’re done here,” he said, peering down his nose into the abyss, “Might as well get going.” He slapped my back and my whole body reeled from the force. I picked up the oar and started rowing.
We went most of the way back in silence, nothing but the gentle lapping of the indigo river serenading us. It irritated me, and I decided I could not row in silence anymore.
“What was so bad about him?” I asked, staring straight ahead. My mouth was so rigid it was hard to get the words out.
“I beg your pardon?” Melvin asked from the back of the boat.
“That boy. What was so bad about him that he had to go to Hell?”
“I don’t know, I’m not a caseworker,” Melvin said. I refused to face him, but I could hear his lips were wrapped around a cigarette.
“He didn’t seem bad. Seemed a pure cruel thing we did to him there. He was scared.”
“Yeah, well, aren’t we all,” he muttered.
This time I turned to face him, “How do you think it’s fair throwing children off a cliff like that? I mean, couldn’t we at least - ”
“He killed a kid.”
I stared at Melvin as he puffed the cigarette. Billows of smoke came out either side of his mouth.
“What?”
“I don’t usually see the files but I saw this one. Yep, he killed a kid. His foster brother. The poor lad was five and he was ten. Tortured him mercilessly until one day he threw a brick at him while they were playing. Hit him right here,” Melvin pointed to the base of his skull with his thumb, “Died instantly. He didn’t regret it either,” he looked up at me, locking my eyes. I was too engrossed to look away.
Melvin continued, “Three months ago he was up drinking with the boys, fucked up on drink and whatever else he was taking. Started bragging about it. Said he should’ve won a medal for his aim. Said the kid was terrified whenever he saw him, eyes got big as saucers. Said it was funnier cause the kid’s parents had been junkies, used to rough him up, too. When he hit him, the kid just dropped. Parents had covered it up for him at the time, of course.” He exhaled smoke from both nostrils. Dawn light danced off the water.
“Guess one of his friends was just as violent cause he beat him to death a few weeks later. Serves him right if you ask me.”
I said nothing for the rest of the way. The currents shone in white stripes where the dusky light illuminated them. I sliced each one in half with my oar, appreciating how it engulfed them in shadow. How dare there be light left in this world.
The rope bristled my palms as I knotted it and prepared to dock the boat under the flickering streetlamp. As I looked up, I saw Mary standing under it. She had a hood pulled over her head and a box in her hands.
Oh Jesus, great, I thought to myself.
Melvin ascended the staircase before I’d docked the boat.
“Mary has a little surprise for you,” he offered, “The first days are always difficult, we thought this might help.”
I walked up to them, scrambling over the guardrail. Mary was smiling so intensely it looked her face might crack. She opened the box, to reveal a bird laying on a nest of straw. It was the pigeon I had rescued from the shopping centre when I had encountered her. She stroked it, and its feathers slowly rustled, brimming with energy. It’s eyes slowly peeled open, crests of feathers separating on its neck as it got up and looked around. It perched on the edge of the box, then flew up in the shadow of the streetlamp and up, up, up into the purple sky, drifting on the updraft of the river with its wings outstretched.
“It made it,” I whispered to myself.
“See?” Melvin said, patting my back more gently this time, “It’s not all bad. That’s all for tonight, so.”
I lifted the mask off my face and went to hand it to him, the gleaming wood of the skull flashing under the shorting streetlight.
“What are you doing? That’s yours,” he said, “Besides, you’re on your own tomorrow.”
“But what if I have a question?”
His lips twisted into an uneven smile. “Just ask me. I can still answer.” Then he walked off, hands in the pockets of his trench coat, disappearing along the river.
My skull mask hung limply in my hands. I looked at Mary. She was beaming at me.
“Good on you,” she said, “the first day is the toughest. You’re strong stuff.”
“Cheers, Mary,” I said, “I’ll see you later.”
It was dark again; the clouds were inky against the sky. Unlike last night, Derek wasn’t waiting for me this time. He was probably still at the gig, I reminded myself. No time had actually passed since I left him at the streetlamp. I climbed the stairs onto the street and walked myself home in the company of the night.
I let myself in and peeled off my jacket and shoes. My head was whirring, electrical and empty - like the way the wind whips around the plains before a storm. I went to make myself a cup of tea but came to an abrupt stop when I saw Lily clattering around in the kitchen. She was wearing a grey dressing gown. The steam from a pot of boiling water was making her baby hairs curl and stick to her face.
“Hey,” she said flatly.
“Hey,” I said, tucking my mask behind my back so she couldn’t see it.
“Something came for you in the post,” she said, “I put it on the table there. Looks like an invite or something.”
I looked down at the thin, red envelope on the table.
“Cool, thanks,” I said as I picked it up and retreated to my room. My cup of tea would have to wait.
I shut the door behind me and flipped the envelope in my hands. There were no addresses written on it – just my name, Sarah Horgan, in gentle black slopes. The flap was sealed with dark red wax. It looked like blood.
It opened cleanly. The envelope was so flat and thin that it couldn’t have held more than a sheet of paper. I reached inside and withdrew a fifty euro note. Upon fishing it out of the envelope, I realized it was in fact a stack of many fifty euro notes. They swelled in my hand – fifty, one hundred, two hundred, three hundred, five hundred – a thousand. How the hell had they fit in the envelope?
I let the money fall to the bed. The mattress gently buckled as I sat, staring unfocused at my closet doors. The pink blouse I had picked out for work on Monday was hanging on the knobs, a reminder to iron it over the weekend. I got up and put it back in my closet, hanging my skull mask in its place. The empty eye sockets stared up at me, the white of the closet peeking through them.
I wouldn’t be needing that pink work blouse anyway, I thought.

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

Roughly a year ago, I jumped on the end of a bandwagon of posting up what I played throughout the previous year (that being 2019). That list was a whopping 33 games long, for which my excuse was some personal issues that gave me an unusual amount of free time. Now, roughly a year later, there has been a global issue that has given me an unusual amount of free time!
This year's list has around 40 games on it, which seems like more than I played last year, but I also played a further 16 VR games in 2019 that I had posted about elsewhere. Still, my total hours played is probably greater because I got really in to some of these at the lowest points of 2020.
This is a very long post, with a paragraph or two for each game. For those who prize brevity (or are browsing on mobile, I guess), I apologize. I've provided a short list of games I found to be stand-out in one way or the other immediately below this; then I have a few lists of games categorizing them by whether or not I recommend them and my perception of their popularity. Then there's ~25,000 characters of my expanded thoughts on the various titles. I recommend ctrl+f if you want to know my thoughts on a given game.
A BRIEF TL;DR OF MADE UP AWARDS:
Game of My Year: Disco Elysium
(runner up: CrossCode)
Most Time, Best Spent: No Man's Sky
Hiddenest Gem, I Think: Super Daryl Deluxe
Oldest Game I Played For the First Time: Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines
Best VR Game: The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners
Biggest Disappointment: Indivisible
Commonly Recommended and/or Popular Games I Also Recommend: Disco Elysium, The Outer Wilds, Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines, Detroit: Become Human, Rimworld, Cave Story+, Deus Ex (2001), Superhot, Death Stranding, Sonic Mania, Among Us, Return of the Obra Dinn, Mirror's Edge, No Man's Sky, Elite Dangerous
Highly Recommended, More Obscure Titles: Cursed Castilla, The Messenger, Cosmic Star Heroine, CrossCode, Super Daryl Deluxe, Overgrowth, 100% Orange Juice, Barony, Druidstone: The Secret of the Menhir Forest
Popular-ish Games I'm Ambivalent About: Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor, Middle-Earth: Shadow of War, Pokemon Shield, Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Subnautica, Indivisible
More Obscure Games That are OK, I Guess: Graveyard Keeper, The Final Station, Chantelise, Out There: Omega Edition, The Invisible Hours, Dual Universe
Games I Actively Disliked: Fantasy Blacksmith, This is the Police
VR Exlusive Games (all more or less recommended): Sairento VR, Espire 1: VR Operative, The Walking Dead: Saints and Sinners
Without further ado, here's my List of Games I Played, Mostly in 2020, in a Very Particular Order that Only Makes Sense to Me
A Few Mild-to-Moderately Obscure Titles I Highly Recommend
Cursed Castilla (Maldita Castilla EX) (PC) - This is basically inspired by Ghosts and Goblins. It has a fun aesthetic and 'story' based around Spanish knights(?) crusading against demons. Its gameplay is a bit more forgiving than Ghosts and Goblins, but is still excellently done side-scrolling platforming in an SNES style. I highly recommend it for folks looking for a retro throwback.
The Messenger (PC) - This is to Ninja Gaiden as Cursed Castilla is to Ghosts and Goblins. It is much easier than its legendary forebear, but it's a fun retro romp through a ninja-themed tongue-in-cheek world. Gameplay is smooth with lots of movement options and fun boss fights.
Cosmic Star Heroine (PC) - Another SNES-esque game, this time harking more to Chrono Trigger and other RPGs. I had this on my list for a long time, and upon picking it up I was shocked that it looks like exactly the sort of game I would have made had I ever seriously gotten into it beyond dicking around in RPG Maker. There's a huge cast of characters, each with unique skills that all chain off each other and need to be managed through intricate cooldowns, all with a system that steadily increases damage over the course of combat to ensure nothing goes on too long.
Unfortunately, this was all so complicated for me to keep up with I bounced after the first couple of chapters. It's still an excellent experience, but you do need to either be in the right headspace or absolutely adore this sort of game and/or systems.
CrossCode (Gamepass on PC) - This is another 2D game with gorgeous pixel art that wouldn't look too out of place on the SNES. This time it's an action RPG with a sort of hokey 'you're playing an MMO' story ala Sword Art Online. The narrative actually goes to interesting places, though, but I won't spoil it. The gameplay is a top-down brawler sort, with a lot of choices between throwing energy balls, beating on things with your melee attack, and casting various elemental spells. There are also a handful of dungeons with progressively more interesting puzzle gimmicks, though it mostly involves variations on block pushing and ball bouncing. I do see this game mentioned sometimes, but not as much as it deserves, IMO. The only downside is the itemization and equipment takes a little too much inspiration from MMOs, but it doesn't really hold the action part of the game back much.
Super Daryl Deluxe (PC) - This is an absoutely criminally underrated game which I had mistakenly thought was more popular because several folks in my friend group had played it. This is a Metroidvania-esque title that plays more like a side-scrolling brawler, with a wide variety of skills to choose from and upgrade as you gain collectibles. The core brawler gameplay is just a real treat on its own. The game's narrative is a very surreal high-school themed experience, with the strangely silent protagonist running increasingly bizarre errands through bizarre worlds themed after typical school courses, like Science, History, and Music/Art. The aesthetic is a pleasant sort of squash-and-stretch cartoony thing. Despite a kind of mediocre payoff plotwise, I still enjoyed my time with both the gameplay and the narrative just because of that 'what's going to happen next?' factor. I highly recommend anyone with a remote interest in it to give this game a shot while it's still on sale on Steam.
Some of My Favorites That are Also Popular and/or Contentious
Disco Elysium (PC) - I cannot praise this game highly enough. It's a roleplaying game in the truest sense of the word. There is no combat, but the skills you choose and develop have so much impact on how you progress through the story it's kind of nuts. Every little bit of detail in the world is interwoven with others and while the core mystery of the game is a little simplistic, all of the sidequests and tertiary stuff impact each other and it is in general fascinating. The writing is excellent and the feeling of pulling at strings until you figure out what's going on is something I've never seen matched by another game of this type. I don't want to say anymore as I'll inevitably enter spoiler territory, but if this type of game is up your alley at all, I recommend picking this up.
The Outer Wilds (PC) - I played this immediately after Disco Elysium, and despite being two very different games, they excel in the same place: everything is so masterfully interconnected. The central mystery of The Outer Wilds is about what the heck is going on in your solar system, not a murder mystery, but nonetheless everything you see has some impact on something. It's absolutely fascinating piecing it altogether. Unfortunately, the core gameplay is a bit looser - some of the physical puzzles are tedious or obtuse, and the spaceflight in this game is difficult to control. You will pitch yourself into the sun more than once, usually on accident. I can't give it quite the same glowing recommendation as Disco Elysium because while you can blunder through and enjoy that game, it's entirely possible to be stymied entirely by The Outer Wilds.
Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines (PC) - This is such a strange piece of history. The game looks like it belongs in 2004 right until you meet one of the central characters from the act one plot, whose model wouldn't look terribly out of place in an indie game today. Honestly the whole game is like this given its apparently troubled development history, with some aspects shining bright and others just being awful. The writing is absolutely great from start to finish; the gameplay dips and dives from point to point, especially the oft-dreaded sewer levels which kept seeming not quite that bad except that they just kept on going. Some setpieces are well-realized dungeon romps, and sometimes you're beating off zombies in a crackhouse for way too long. Overall, it's just good enough that I'd recommend it as an invesment of your time if you can forgive a few gameplay sins in the name of good writing and a solid plot.
Detroit: Become Human (PS4) - This one had been on my list for quite a while. It's essentially a modern adventure game in the vein of TellTale, and while I'm not sure I'd say it entirely succeeds at the idea of making choice meaningful, the ridiculous number of branches in the story is absolutely unreal. The game even maps out all these branches for you after completing a chapter, often leading to a 'what the heck could have gone differently there?' sort of thing. This is my first David Cage game, so I don't have a history with his style. I found the plot to be merely so-so, and of the three playable protagonists, two are a little too simplistic and tropey for my tastes. However the writing and dialogue in Connor's segments is second to none, and I would love an entire buddy cop game in this style. Overall, I'd recommend it for what it is - a hamhanded morality tale with crazy production values.
Stuff You've Likely Seen Before
Rimworld (PC) (replay/new content) - Rimworld is a top-down colony building game where your colonists crash-land on a lowtech Rimworld at the edge of human space. You build a shelter and work towards either constructing you own spaceship or building up enough supplies to hike to one you're told the location of. It's got a solid gameplay loop in this vein, and I played it this year because of the Royalty expansion pack, which introduced a new faction and end-game goal - impress the feudal leader of a fleet over the Rimworld to take you to the stars. Overall, I highly recommend Rimworld to fans of the genre, and the Royalty expansion is also worth it as it spices up combat with psychic 'spells' and whatnot.
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor (PC) - While this game does wear its Batman: Arkham Games inspiraton on its sleeve, it's a little more than that. Combat is more central than in the Batman games, and it's just a lot of fun skewering orcs and taking down Sauron's armies using the vaunted 'Nemesis' system. Shadow of Mordor - the first one, since I know it's easy to mix them up - is a nice, brisk game that has a reasonably quick core plot and doesn't overstay its welcome. In fact, I was left wanting more, so...
Middle-Earth: Shadow of War (PC) - In a lot of ways, this game is more of the same. It does, however, introduce more itemization; while in Mordor, you simply upgraded your weapons by completing challenges, War requires you to level up and replace weapons as you go. This does create a few more interesting systems with damage types and whatnot, but ultimately I stopped because the new elements just weren't much fun and I didn't need that much more Middle-Earth Batman in my life. The plot also goes from 'Well, it's Tolkienish, I guess' to just being kind of dumb all around.
Cave Story+ (PC) (replay) - It had been a while since I beat Cave Story, so I picked this up and did a full run including the 'true ending' hell run. For those who haven't played it, Cave Story is a charming little side-scrolling shooter with a variety of fun weapons. There's not a lot to say beyond that; it's a short, sweet retro experience I also recommend.
Deus Ex: Game of the Year Edition (PC) (replay) - I'm referring to the 2001 game, not the Square Enix one from whenever that was. Deus Ex is probably one of the earliest 'with RPG elements' games. At its core it's a first-person shooter set 20 minutes into the future, but your weapon efficacy is determined by skill points you earn by exploring, completing objectives, and interacting with NPCs. The plot has a lot of classic cyberpunk and conspiracy plot beats to it and I highly recommend it even though the core gameplay feels dated in 2020. It is still an absolute masterclass in level design, with so many little hidden secrets, bonuses for exploring, and ways to complete your objectives. I kid you not when I say that after a dozen playthroughs over 20 years, I still find entirely new side areas and routes. There are multiple modernizing mods; I used Deus Ex Revision, available through Steam if you own the base game there.
Pokemon Shield (Switch) - I wasn't patient for this, and in fact probably actually beat it in 2019, but it wasn't a Patient game at the time so it didn't make last years list. That said, it's Pokemon - you almost certainly have your own opinion on it at this point. That said I still felt sort of disappointed even with low expectations going in, as it was basically as brain-dead as other recent entries in the series. It's a shame we're not seeing more out of it given how stupidly huge the franchise is.
Animal Crossing: New Horizons (Switch) - This is a 2020 Pandemic Classic, but I kind of bounced off it despite enjoying previous Animal Crossing games. The only gameplay evolution is to add a weird survival-game element of your tools breaking and admittedly a sort of neat crafting/terrain alteration system, but this was gated behind so much grind I just felt I could get this same experience, only better, elsewhere.
Subnautica (Gamepass on PC) - Subnautica is a survival/exploration game set on an alien world after a crash landing. Basically the entire game is spent in the ocean, hence the name. The game is gorgeous and has some fun encounters, but the core gameplay is a bit of a slog, requiring you to scour the ocean floor for bits to find upgrades and slowly solve how to get your ass off the world. The intent is to force you to build multiple bases, but I short-circuited this by building the Giant Monster Submarine Mobile Base. Following the breadcrumbs of the plot is alright, but then you occasionally just hit a 'go scour the ocean floor for wreckage so you can get the upgrade to go past this arbitrary depth'. I think I dropped the game shortly before its climax because I just couldn't be bothered anymore.
Indivisible (PC) - This is a gorgeously animated game that at first glance, looks like Valkyrie Profile with a Metroidvania-ish overworld. In practice, though, it's very linear and the combat system has little more depth than button mashing. The narrative tries to do some interesting things but ultimately falls flat due to some mixed messages with tones and general pacing issues. The voice-acting talent in this game is top tier, though. Overall, I feel like this is a 'good enough' popcorn filler game that's worth your time, but I also feel like it could have been so much more.
Death Stranding (PS4) - I got a fairly solid deal on a used copy shortly after launch, so I wasn't exactly Patient. Hideo Kojima Pretends He's a Film Guy isn't exactly a gripping narrative, but I actually enjoyed the literal walking simulator gameplay. Other players affect your experience indirectly, sort of like the Dark Souls message system. But rather than crude jokes about awesome chests or but holes, they leave material goods. By this I mean both useful equipment and literally dropped cargo, and they literally alter the terrain by forming 'desire paths' as more people take the same route. The whole game is fascinating even if a lot of it is just Kojima being weird.
Superhot (PC) - I don't have a lot to say about this other than I played it. It's basically an FPS where you are in constant bullettime, with the world only advancing extremely slowly until you move. It creates a sort of puzzle game as you figure out how best to dispatch foes without getting overwhelmed. I played the VR version on PS4 in 2019, which has no locomotion. I preferred the 'puzzle solving' elements of this version where you actually have full freedom of movement rather than simply leaning in place.
Sonic Mania (PC) - This is a short and sweet love letter to classic Sonic. I only ever got into the blue blur with the Gamecube MegaCollection, so this just seemed like a welcome return to a familiar gameplay style. I don't have much more than a vague thumbs-up recommendation for folks looking for, well, more classic Sonic.
Among Us (PC) - I really appreciate the chance to murder my friends and convince them they didn't. I don't really see the appeal of playing with randos, but if you can get six-to-seven people together on Discord it's a grand old time. Your experience with more may vary.
Return of the Obra-Dinn (PC) - Sleek graphical style, and neat puzzle-esque gameplay. Basically, you're an insurance... person asssessing what happened to the crew of a ship in the Age of Sail (I forget the exact year). You progress through the stylish black-and-white ship using a magical timepiece that lets you see the last moments of the various corpses you find. The goal is to discover what happened to each of the several dozen crew members on board - how they died, whether they somehow got off the ship, and what (or who) killed them. It has some flaws, as a puzzle game, but it's still well worth trying out if this is the sort of thing you're into.
Mirror's Edge (PC) - I made it about three-quarters of the way through this game years ago, but dropped it for... some reason. It's famously a game about free-running, and it's essentially one long puzzle game about how to maneuver around an urban environment by maintaining momentum, jumping, climbing, and swinging. It's serviceable enough in all respects, though I had a rough time figuring out how to proceed in a couple of areas. The aesthetic is slick, and the plot is merely serviceable.
Some More Obscure Stuff
Overgrowth (PC) - This game is slightly hard to describe. Basically, it's a... character action game based around physics, I guess? About an anthropomorphic rabbit who fights other anthropomorphic animals. The plot has a gritty low-fantasy bent to it, but the meat of the game is in doing crazy high-jumps around the environments (including some parkour!) and sneaking around to grab weapons and slaughter your enemies. Both you and your enemies have very low health pools. The physics do feel a bit janky and floaty, but you can still do a lot of crazy cool stuff - like a flying kick that all but guarantees a kill, but if you miss leaves you very open.
100% Orange Juice (PC) - This is basically Honest Mario Party for weebs. It's typically referred to as orenji, i.e. RNG (randomly generated number). You roll a dice to move your ridiculous anime girl around a board, then roll some dice to see what happens, from simple combat to gaining stars to a very small smattering of minigames. Your goal is to go around the board and make it to your home square with a certain number of stars or a certain number of 'wins' from defeating other players or NPC encounters in combat (your choice). If you do this five times before anybody else, you win! It's a charming little game to goof around with friends on, and often very cheap.
Graveyard Keeper (PC) - It's like a grimly humorous version of Harvest Moon or Stardew Valley. A literal braying ass delivers corpses to your graveyard, you have to bury them with appropriate headstones and whatnot or, you know, throw them in the river I guess. Overall it's a bit too grindy and repetitive despite having a fair number of gameplay systems (having to kill bats on your way to quarry stone for headstones, etc.) Some folks might enjoy the dark humor more than I did, and the gameplay is roughly in line with something like Stardew Valley, so if you want a twist on that formula, give it a look.
The Final Station (PC) - This is a side-scrolling game in which you operate a train across a country while weird shit happens. Gameplay is split between tending the train, which involves fiddling with the train systems as they go down and tending to passengers by delivering food or medicine. At each station, the gameplay is more of a side-scrolling shooter mode where you methodically fight weird zombie-like creatures while looking for the access code to release your train for the next leg while gathering as many supplies as you can. The narrative is jank and intentionally obtuse, but I dug the moment-to-moment gameplay. Overall it gets an 'eh' from me.
Barony (PC) - I played this with my friends when it had a free weekend on Steam. It's a 3D Roguelike that plays in real time rather than the standard turn-based. You have several base classes that determine starting skills, but over the course of a run you may well develop an entirely different set. It's pretty standard stuff if you're used to Nethack or Dungeon Crawl, but the novelty of having multiplayer was good for a weekend. If my friends weren't such dumb butts I'd probably have played more of it.
Chantelise (PC) - This is one of those mid-2000s Japanese action games that got a Steam port at some point. It's got some janky camera issues and a fairly basic combat system where you swing your sword around and gather gems that allow you to release various elemental attacks depending on what's in your gem queue. The story's your typical anime bullshit with two sisters trying to discover why one of them got cursed to be a fairy. It's a solid romp if you can manage to acclimate to the weird camera and input scheme.
Druidstone: The Secret of the Menhir Forest (PC) - I was interested in this because it was by the folks who did The Legend of Grimrock. It's an isometric strategy game with the typical vaguely-X-COM 2012 inspirations. There are some interesting choices to be made in ability and equipment loadouts and I vaguely enjoyed the first several missions, but the story didn't grip me and the combats were a mix of uninteresting slugfests and overly tense 'how do I reach the objective while not dying?' sorts of things, at least as I recall it now. This is on my list of things to go back and give a more proper shot as I wasn't really quite in the headspace for it on my first try.
Out There: Omega Edition (PC) - I believe this is a port of a mobile game that is basically a weird sort of existential space exploration. You move from star to star, trying to keep your supplies topped off, and progress towards your homeworld. There are a few different endings, and in general the writing is OK. It's a fun little space-themed choose your own adventure/resource management sort of rogue-like-ish (I hate that I typed this) game.
I Didn't Like These Very Much
Fantasy Blacksmith (PC) - I installed this thinking it'd be a fun little sim game. While it is kind of neat to run around messing with the tools to go through the full process of heating an ingot, beating it into a blade, and performing minigames to sharpen and do final assembly, there's so damn much waiting involved. To profitably sell a sword, you need to wait until you hear knocks on your door (which may well be in the middle of you doing a time-sensitive step in the process). You have to wait for deliveries. You can mine in your basement, for some reason, but it's so agonizingly slow and, again, if you hear some knocking - you better rush to the door! Overall, this game was a disappointment.
This is the Police - On the surface, I really liked the idea of Duke Nukem voicing a tired old cop, with gameplay revolving around time management as you play admin and dispatch for your various police officers. It also has a great, sleek aesthetic and general presentation. In practice it's a needlessly gritty drama about crime and corruption with very little feedback on how well you're doing at the actual game portion. I intentionally ignored the mafia's attempts to bribe me into ignoring their activity, and my game officially ended when the main character got shot in a driveby at breakfast. The fact that it was preordained that I had to be a dirty cop, combined with the fact that the only warning of this was the same 'The Mafia will remember that.' message with no further escalation or actual warning about it being a gameover condition lead me to drop it there (on top of others saying this isn't the only incident of being in a losing game state without any real forewarning).
And Now for Some VR Games
The Invisible Hours (PS4) (also has a flat-screen mode) - This isn't really a game, as there's literally zero interactivity. All you can do is move the camera around, pause, and rewind. It self describes itself as a sort of play, which is appropriate. You follow the seven or so individuals as they interact and reveal more about their own personal mysteries and the central murder mystery. The plot is a little campy and the drama a bit melo, but overall it's still a neat ride and a novel experience, even if you aren't literally in the middle of it as it unfolds in VR. It's a neat use of a few hours of your time.
Sairento VR (PS4) - For those who don't know, VR is absolutely filthy with wave shooters - simple arenas where enemies come until you have spent enough time murdering them all. Sairento is basically one of these with the twist that throwing your hands in the air causes you to do a sick ninja flip into the air and slows down time while you mow down enemies with whatever silly cyberpunk weapons you have. It's all well and good for some dumb fun, but its central gimmick doesn't really carry it given the price tag. There are other, better shooters and explorations of VR mobility.
Espire 1: VR Operative (PS4) - This piqued my interest due to being a stealth game. The highlight, in my opinion, is your ability to climb almost any wall, which along with some solid, classic Deus Ex level design, leads to a lot of neat options for sneaking around. The campaign is fairly typical both plot-wise and gameplay objective wise, and after a while sneaking around in the rafters just doesn't carry the game anymore. By the end I'd just given up on stealth and was mowing down my enemies, which is also a viable gameplay choice. Overall it was OK, I guess.
The Walking Dead: Saints and Sinners (PC) - This is the first totally new game I played with my recently acquired HP Reverb G2. This is the first VR game I've played that really seemed to benefit from the previous years of design. Everything just seemed smoother and less janky. The core gameplay is basically scavenging and finding items you're sent for, which is well-suited to VR and the genre. Combat is very satisfying, and I had several tense moments where either there were too many enemies to handle in melee and managing the reloading and gunplay was just frantic enough to feel 'authentic' to a zombie apocalypse. The plot is very modern Walking Dead-ie, which you probably already have an opinion on. In the end I put more hours into the 'Trial' mode, which will being Yet Another Wave Shooter, was actually tense and engaging compared to the many, many previous games with the same formula. I think this has to do with the very satisfying 'pierce the skull' motion and literally grabbing zombies by the head and shoving them back to help manage crowds. All in all, I now consider this a quintessential VR experience alongside Beat Saber.
Unlimited Time Dumps
No Man's Sky (PS4, PC) - Like a non-trivial number of people, I watched the Internet Historian's The Engoodening of No Man's Sky. The game was on sale, it had relatively recently received a VR update for PSVR, and I said screw it and picked it up. This was right around when we were all realizing just how serious the whole pandemic was going to be, and I dumped an ungodly number of hours into the game during March through May. What I appreciated most about NMS - apart from being fairly breathtaking in VR, even in the muddy potato-water of a PS4 Pro's graphical capabilities - is how seamlessly the transition from on-foot to starship gameplay was. Neither is super deep, and the game is mostly about following quests from point-to-point, meandering exploration, or at-best-serviceable basebuilding with some survival elements. But it's all done well enough in the same package that it's entrancing. If you do pick it up, for the first time or to mess around, be sure to check out the crazy folks at the Galactic Hub.
Also yes, I bought NMS on both platforms. I used a program called iVRy to be able to use my PSVR headset on PC, but despite my best efforts I was never able to get anything other than head tracking working. NMS is sort of playable without motion controllers, until you try to build and your hands are behind you so you can't actually place anything. But this setup was fine for...
Elite Dangerous (PC) - There's a YouTuber by the name of Exigeous who says that Elite Dangerous is a pretty alright spaceship game if you play it normally. But if you play it with a VR headset, you are flying a fucking spaceship. I could not agree more. I spent an embarassing number of hours putting this game through its paces from late Spring through the Summer. The game has imeccable sound design, unbelievably good presentation, and a very solid space-dogfight flight model.
Unfortunately, it's hard to recommend almost anything else about the game. Doing almost anything involves either multiple-minute commutes in 'SuperCruise', the only-somewhat-faster-than-light in-system movement mode, or multiple loading-screen warp jumps between stars to get where you want to be. 'Space trucking', or trading, is very janky, as the economic simulation is fairly minimal. Doing anything to the 'background simulation' and affecting the galaxy requires a Herculean effort with a Byzantine system that is less clear than mud. The game probably has the most interesting asteroid mining systems, from relatively simple but pleasant to execute laser mining to cracking the cores with explosives and hoovering up the goodies, but it's still a very simple loop and relies on the aforementioned jank economics. The real strengths are the breathtaking universe (if you can stand jumping and supercruising for hours), and the remarkably complex, modular system for fitting your ships. This is especially true of combat, and with over two dozen ships to choose from there's a wide variety of options from stacking shields and wading into 'melee' with various lasers and kinetic weapons to hull-tanking and railgun sniping.
I'm still very mixed on Elite, but it's basically a must-have VR experience for the atmospheric aesthetics and sound design alone.
Dual Universe (PC) - I'm breaking patient rules here, as this 'released' as a beta in August, but it was in Alpha for a while before that. This is an MMO with influences from EVE, Avorion, and Space Engineers. It intends to be a 'civlization building' game where players run the sandbox. The core gameplay is voxel-based spaceship building, where you can freely design the ship's hull and apply various flight elements to give it capabilities (atmospheric flight, space engines, guns). Production of these elements is done by running Industry machines, and while it's not as complex as something like Satisfactory or Factorio, there is still a fun element of industrial planning (though currently this is a grind-gated gameplay loop).
It calls itself a Beta but feels much more like an Alpha, and frankly NovaQuark is a newbie developer who doesn't seem to have much of a clue. If this game didn't scratch all the right itches for me, I probably wouldn't even mention it; but it's such a fascinating project and is the only true MMO I know with such extensive usage of voxel deformation from everything from ship damage to terrain to mining, with an EVE-like sandbox ethos at least stated.
A Conclusion
If you read all that, I'm so sorry. This yearly roundup means a lot to me as I put my thoughts in order about what I played over the year, and recall some of the more obscure stuff I had forgotten I played. (In particular, I really enjoyed Overgrowth, which I played in July or so, and had totally forgotten Indivisible which I bought at the end of the 2019 Steam Sale, and was a real mixed bag).
I did play a few other games this year, but this list is exclusive to games I at least gave a fair shake of a few hours rather than simply playing for a tiny bit and putting down. My primary methodology was to pull the highlights out of my brain, then check the play history of my consoles (which is fairly inaccurate, probably). My PS4 got a lot of use on one game this year (No Man's Sky), but my Switch sat largely-dormant. PC was my primary platform, where Steam's excellent 'sort by recent activity' function gave me a fairly comprehensive list of what I had played and when.
I think my New Year's Resolution will be to actually post more about games as I play them here on /patientgamers, if only so I can just link to some posts and do a quicker list next year (though hopefully 2021 won't see me with quite so much free time).

Previous Chapter | First| Next Chapter
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Whatever dreams Adam might have been enjoying vanished with a thunderous pounding that roused him out of unconsciousness. The door swung open, a uniformed soldier filling its frame. He barely had time to gather his wits before the man spoke. “Agent Hill, colonel Patterson’s issued an emergency deployment. Report to the briefing room as soon as you're able.”
Adam felt a growl escape his throat as he slid a hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his regretfully waking eyes. Only once he shook his head free of the cobwebs did he find the appropriate words with which to retort. None of which were appropriate for a polite society. He opened his mouth to spit snark, but the messenger was gone before he even had a chance. He growled a second time.
At least have the decency to hear a response, damn it.
Quickly splashing cold water on his face and putting on his uniform, he rushed through the maze of halls that comprised the base to the mission briefing room.
He wasn’t the last to arrive, but of the dozen or so people already in the room, he must have been the last person Patterson was waiting for. As soon as the door closed behind him, the ranking officer fixed him with a blank look and nodded to an aid who dimmed the lights and kicked on the projector.
“Alright then, let’s get started.”
Adam blinked in the new dark and spotted a familiar head of unnatural blue hair. Pushing aside the events of the previous night, he walked over and sat next to his partner. Her eyes met his in the gloom, but any words they might have tried to convey were lost on the both of them. Instead, Adam simply managed a nod, both in greeting and as if to say we’re good. Whether she shared the sentiment or not, he wanted her to at least know that before things got hairy... if she even understood the double entendre he was trying to convey.
Well... Either way, a more apropos chat could be had between the two of them later. Right now, he had the good sense to prioritize the mission first.
“Listen up,” the colonel’s voice cut through the stuffy dark. A three-dimensional map materialized in the midst of them with a coordinate grid and several points of interest dotted throughout the topographical display. One such point was enlarged and enhanced to indicate a smaller section of a particular grid square.
“At 0230 hours, we lost contact with one of our advance recon units, code named ‘Bush Viper.’ The condition of the team at this time is unknown and they’ve been out of contact since.”
Adam wasn’t the only one who glanced at his watch. It read 0513. ‘A little shy of two hours since then. Normally that would be within the margin of error in the new world, but…’ It seemed the higher-ups (in all their wisdom) thought it was better to be safe than sorry... a wise decision for once.
“However, based on what intel we’ve compiled so far, it is our suspicion that they are alive and it is likely they will have been taken into enemy custody for questioning.”
“Which enemy, sir?” asked a soldier across the table Adam had never met before. He wore a thick beanie over his head and a pair of sunglasses rested on his forehead.
“Unknown at this time,” the colonel replied. “Bush Viper is a team of three Rangers. We don’t know what happened or how, only that their automated distress beacon was picked up by our remote transmission station here.” He pointed to another location on the map and a dotted line denoting the distance between appeared.
“As you can see, by the time a recovery team from the outpost arrived, all they found were signs of a struggle, but no blood or bodies. Thus, our belief they’ve been taken hostage.”
A round of uncertain murmurs muddled about the room quietly.
“As you can imagine, losing a team to enemy interrogation at this stage of our otherworldly reconnaissance would be unimaginably detrimental to our cause.”
“You really think they’d spill the beans, colonel?" the beanie-wearing officer asked. "These are rangers we’re talking about.”
Patterson fixed him with a grim look. “I believe in my boys, but I also know everyone has their limits, and we’ve all seen what the other side of the gate looks like for humankind.”
That seemed to be enough for both the officer and everyone else, who remained silent.
“Can we be sure the team’s abductors are actually enemies, sir?” Lillith asked, bringing all eyes to her. “I know our current rules of engagement dictate that all non-humans are to be considered hostile, but if there’s a chance this is a matter of… aggressive curiosity rather than direct hostility, it’s possible we may endear the perpetrators to us.”
Patterson nodded along with her line of thinking but disagreed. “I suppose anything's possible, sergeant. But I’m not staking the lives of three of my Rangers on a possibility. That can be worked out by Intelligence after the fact. For now, assume all unknowns are hostile.”
“Yes sir.”
“Now, Sergeant Bucannon, Agent Hill. You two will be the lynchpin of this operation acting as exfil on-demand once we find our missing soldiers. I’m officially lifting proximity gate restrictions for the duration of this mission. Get in, grab our boys, and get out. Keep your kills clean, if you must kill at all. Magical contamination of the site is not authorized. Agent Hill?”
“Sir,” Adam sat up straight as he was addressed.
“Your dampening skill has been effective so far, however, there’s no guarantee the enemy’s sensors - which may or may not be more capable than our own - will be unable to detect you… if they have any at all. Keep that in mind, all of you, as you conduct yourselves.”
Hill let his eyes traverse the room. “I'm assuming then that you want us to operate as a single unit?”
“That’s correct, agent. You will coordinate your magical dampening with corporal Connors’ photomancy to conceal the team’s presence completely.”
Adam made eye contact with said soldier across the table, the beanie-wearing one, who gave him a deuces in greeting. Hill inclined his chin to him in return.
“Technicians are calibrating the gate to drop you out here,” he pointed to another square on the grid, roughly two miles from the ranger’s last reported location. “From there you will hoof it to the scene of the crime and assess the situation. Captain Warszawski will be your tracker for this mission as well as your field commander. You will follow his orders to the letter, understand?”
“Yes sir!” They all announced in unison.
The colonel nodded his head approvingly as he looked around the table. “Then good luck, ladies and gentlemen. And remember: the Geneva Convention does not exist beyond that gate. They will give no quarter to any of you. Return the favor. Bring our boys home.”
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The windows that lined the long, curved hall beamed with cool morning light that rose over to treetops beyond. The golden sunlight warmed the very air of the place as it filtered in multicolored refractions through stained glass and crystal décor.
If one were to look with the sun’s eyes, they would behold an ornate estate affixed, or rather, grown from the trunk of a great felerii tree. Many levels all wrapped around in a circular ring, decorated with rich flowing banners upon which the sigil of the house of Lorarieth billowed in majesty.
Through the long spiraling halls of this wonderful residence strode a singular Elf. Eranial, son of the house of Firigall in the employ of the noble house of Lorarieth enjoyed the quiet warmth of sound and temperature as he lingered in the dousing beams of sunlight. Though customarily a summer home, the master of the house had decided to move in several months prematurely this year. And damn the man, he didn’t tell anyone about it!
Eranial breathed out exasperation, knowing the home in his caretaking would soon be busy as servants and attendants received marching orders to complete the various preparatory tasks for their master’s arrival; until such time as Arathe’el Lorarieth arrived, mastery of the local province was assumed by Vaegriel of the Lorarieth subsidiary house Yssilié.
Eranial felt his mouth turn upwards at the thought of the lord. Vaegriel was a kind person, and quite generous as well. His wife, Ronhaela was equally generous, and was a gem of woman that no Elf-kin could gaze upon without their eyes shining like diamonds. Often the two of them would shower house guests and servants alike with gifts and favors and were well regarded by various other noble houses, even those of greater stature. Thus the house of Yssilié reflected well on the house of Lorarieth.
Eranial felt the warmth of the Sun in his heart and his steps were feather-light as he made his rounds, directing the rapidly coalescing and bustling army of servants to those tasks that needed doing. For all the pride he had of those who worked under him, the whole house would (literally) fall apart if he didn’t tell the wonderful fools what to do. It didn’t help that Arathe’el’s arrival would coincide with a great feast, which would now be thrice-fold more majestic as the lord intended to celebrate both his arrival and the fifth pregnancy of his wife.
Of course, that was hearsay, but Eranial had it on good authority… and he trusted his little birds when they chirped in his ear. Those same birds were one of the chief reasons Eranial’s position was assured by lord Arathe’el himself, in exchange for any information of things amiss within his realm… from either within or without. Not even Vaegriel could threaten his position, should he ever fancy to try. Though, that was a moot point.
Arathe’el was a shrewd creature. Although he had four children already, which among most Elf society spoke of an abundance of luxury and stability of an individual realm (after all, if one can afford to think about subjects other than your own territories, then things must be pretty good). But instead of shrinking from the stigma, Arathe’el embraced it and his bright smile cast aside all critique. It became a status symbol all its own, a sign that all was well and thriving in the realms of Lorarieth. Even his four children were excited to have their fifth sibling if rumors were to be believed, which considering the commonplace rivalry between the siblings of most greater houses was nothing short of extraordinary.
And speaking of rumors…
Eranial turned at the familiar presence that appeared behind him. It was an Elf wearing the traditional ornate robes that identified him as a member of the Detection Branch. His eyes were hidden by a white veil and cream colored hood, and viridian robes flowed down nearly to his feet. His hands were folded in front of him, and three gemmed rings adorned his fingers, each one twinkling in the sunlight.
He approached with a curt salute unique to the Detection Branch, placing the tips of his fingers on the opposite elbow and bowing his head respectfully. “Master Eranial, I humbly request a moment of your time.”
It was not uncommon for Eramial to be called “master” since he was essentially a lynchpin for the goings on of the house, and it was a privilege that was tolerated by his betters because of it. Some even boasted as much during dinner parties, and took great pride in having such a reliable person in their employ. Personally, Eramial was not so humble as to deny facts; everyone knew his value. though he might for appearances sake.
With a nod and a signal, Eranial gestured the officer to come closer and speak. “Gelal, was it?” he asked, barely able to identify the man by voice alone. The ceremonial robes, while ornate and bespoke of tradition, honor, and focusing runes, did not make it easy to tell one member of the order apart from another.
Gelal smiled, understanding the situation and happy to be recognized. “Indeed, it is! You honor me with your recognition, house master.” He bowed again. Eramial smiled warmly at the Elf, who he now remembered was quite young by Elf standards, only a few hundred years old. Recalling this, Eramial was filled a sudden impressment of his kin, as getting into the Detection Branch was no small feat, even for experienced mages. It took a certain, uncommon talent and temperament.
“You call me ‘house master’, yet seem surprised that I know the name of someone as important and essential to the protection of this place as Gelal of house Faetheir? Come sir, a house master must be able to do at least that much.”
Gelal, mollified, bowed again. “F-Forgive me, I did not mean to give insult.”
Eramial smiled and clapped a hand on his kin’s shoulder. “And non has been taken. But come, speak what words you have come to say.”
Although assured, the younger Elf seemed hesitant. “Well, this past evening, while I was on station monitoring the province, I came across an anomaly.”
Eranial raised an eyebrow. Anomalies weren’t inherently unusual, but they were rare enough to warrant curiosity; an experienced observer using detection magic of the brand favored by the Observers of the Detection Branch would be able to identify any sort of disturbance with acute detail. An anomaly was simply something that was unknown to the observer. Thus, to someone as young as Gelal, many things could be potential anomalies*.*
But wise Eranial had ample experience with the magical techniques employed by Observers than to doubt the competency of an operative of the Detection Branch, even a young one. He crossed an arm over his chest and thumbed his chin idly. “…I see. I assume you’ve consulted with your elders on the matter then?”
He nodded. “Yes, and they confirmed the anomaly’s existence. I bring this alert to your attention on their recommendation.”
Eramial frowned and nodded accordingly. “Show me.”
Gelal stepped forward and held both hands out, cupped as if to hold water. In his palms was a small amethyst marble. From both arms flowing sigils of Elven magic creeped across his skin and through his sleeves. Like most species, those sigils were unique to each race. As each peoples learned to master the many forms of magic, thousands of generations of schooling and practice allowed magic to manifest differently in each kind. For elves, it was as it appeared on Gelal’s arms, green colored mana coursing over flesh like vines seeking purchase. For Dwarves, mana manifested as runes, the sequence and pattern of which defined the kind of magic that would be expressed, and for Orcs (more akin to primal elements and physical reinforcement that they were) magic spider-webbed across their skin like a second vascular system.
Such was the case for every species upon the face of the Earth, save Dragons whose mastery of magic was more akin to breathing than any product of study.
And of course, the Children of Marath went without comment.
A map of the land appeared in Gelal’s hands through the crystal sphere, and a blue pulsing beacon appeared on it. To an Elf, whose eyes missed naught were well accustomed to the magic of their own kindred, that little pale gem told him everything he needed to know. And yet it still left him with questions.
Eranial’s brows furrowed. “…You were right to bring this to my attention.” His frown morphed into a grimace. His thoughts turned to action and he knew, at the very least, what should be immediately done. “Send outriders to the scene… and a cadre of hunters as well. If they are operating in our territory, then they are either brazen or foolish. Perhaps both. Either way, stamp them out. And leave the report.”
“Understood.” Gelal nodded and bowed to leave, handing the marble over. He stopped suddenly and turned back to ask “Ah, should prisoners be considered, master?”
Eranial considered for a moment before nodding. “If there any prisoners to be had, then yes.”
“Then, I will requisition a team of Binders as well.” The Observer bowed a final time in farewell. “Master.”
And he was off to carry out his orders.
Eranial huffed out a breath and turned to look out the window into the forest that filtered golden light through the canopy.
‘Dark Elves,’ he thought with as much derision as was appropriate.
Although technically kin by far distant relations, Dark Elves were as much a separate species from Elf-kind as any other creature that moved upon the Earth, their society was merely a pale imitation of their more civilized cousins. Dark Elves were more akin to roaming Orc vagabonds, but far more pesky and cunning on account of their peculiar talents in magic. It was not uncommon to find a band or two in every region of the world, hunting prey and performing sacrificial worship in the name of their god-queen. Heresy of a manner most basic.
...More like parasites living off the grandeur of a shattered dynasty. Ever since the death of the ruling family during the War of Red Tears, the Dark Elf peoples never recovered. Instead, they fell apart like a wet meringue, devolving into brigand families, each squabbling over what meager glories they could get their filthy hands on, and any chance they had at reunification mysteriously disappeared along with warrior-princess Avarii of House Ta'alione a thousand years prior.
Mysterious* with an asterisk; although her true fate is known to precious few, most believed she had been captured by the High Lord of the Woodland Realms during a daring raid on the former Dark Elf capital city. Whether she was executed, enslaved, or whatever else was a conspiracy theory oft speculated upon.
And now a band of those same silly, senile, disrespectful crofters were making moves within his master’s territory. This would not stand.
And if they did happen to belong to any of the meager few and ineffectual so-called 'noble' Dark Elf houses, their incursion would be met with swift and righteous retribution... Perhaps if they turned out to be renegades without a lord, they might be put to use in the arena, or entertain the lord Arathe’el’s children. His second-born was particularly fond of such activities.
Moreover, as if Dark Elves weren't enough, there was also a strange unfamiliarity in the magic detailed in the report. Not so much the nature of the observed magic that echoed in the mana that lingered after the ordeal was done, but the feel of it. Only so much information can be conveyed without being there to witness the event itself, even to the sharp senses of an Observer despite the techniques made remarkably robust over tens of thousands of years of refinement. Without being there to feel it for himself, he couldn't quite put his finger on it...
“A-Ah, house master…?”
He turned and noticed quite the line had queued up in the hall as many servants prepared to present their reports to him. He cleared his throat, tucked his hands into his sleeves and nodded to the first in line to begin.
"Right then... Next!"
He’d dwell on the fate of fools at another time. For now, he had a banquet to prepare for.
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The azure micro-star pulsed, gyrating oblong and sputtered out, leaving a scorched smell in the air of rent space-time and the roaring sound of torrenting wind that accompanied it faded like a dream half remembered. In its place, twelve shadows were left behind, weapons raised at the ready. In the center of the black crouched two figures, both the first and last through the eye of the fissure.
Hill's eyes scanned the grassy fields and hills around them. As far as exit points, it could have been worse. Keying his HUD, linking their rudimentary global positioning system to their position, the digital readout flickered as arcane energies supplemented its data. Magitech, as it was being popularized, had already come quite a ways in so short a time. As it always was, the military got first dips on all new technology, usually because it helped to develop it, and then as it became either date or commonplace, it trickled out into the hands of the general public.
He could already hear wives and girlfriends the world-over celebrating that their men wouldn't have an excuse to not ask for directions anymore once magic got involved.
The soft crushing of grass made him turn his head to see the familiar form of Lillith beside him... Familiar only because he’d become so acquainted with the subtleties of her armored physique through their many missions together, despite the fact that each one of the dozen squad members wore identical matte-black magitech armor with active camo synthweave cloaks. They were picture-perfect assassins from the old movies.
Night-vision enhanced by magic gave them crystal-clear sight in the moonless morning. And at the signal of captain Warszawski, they were off, corporal Conner casting his specialized photomancy across the squad. In addition to their gear, they were now doubly invisible.
"Alright, this is Specter team to Stonehenge actual, do you copy? We're in position," the mild, not-quite synthesized Edinburgh accent of captain Warszawski filtered into his ears.
"This is Stonehenge actual, we read you loud and clear, Specter. Commence operation."
"Roger that Stonehenge. Initiating radio, I repeat, radio silence."
"Copy that Specter. Godspeed."
And the line went quiet, and all that was left was the quiet nocturnal dialogue of insects and sighing wind over tall grass.
The ambience was shattered by the voice of corporal Liberty Revere as their communications line swapped modes. "Its so dumb we can't use radios, radios, in a world where the locals literally can't even understand out language, let alone intercept our communications."
"Can't be helped," Connors replied with a visible shrug. "It took us a couple weeks to figure out how to translate their trade language, and we knew jack-all about magic at the time. Figures they could do the same if they tried."
"That," Warszawski interjected, "and the last thing we need is a local with a talent for radiolocation or radiófonokinesis to fuck us up in a major way."
Adam clicked his tongue over the channel. "There's something to be said for relying too much on magic too."
A shrug of assent was all he got from his commanding officer before the man stood and signaled them all to move with a wave of a hand. "Connors, get that cloaking field up. Hill, stick close and cover our radiation. Let's double time it, ladies. We got friends waiting on us."
Corporal Evan Connors gave a nod and clapped his hands together, a mist of transparency spreading like a shockwave over all of them... And like wraiths they were gone.
They moved swiftly and silently, their enhanced sight finding nothing but birds and beasts half asleep in the early morning. In addition to being solid protection against harm, the armor doubled as exosuits, limiting fatigue and enhancing stamina, strength and speed.
They made quick progress.
In the course of their passage, Adam heard a familiar voice key in his ear through a private channel he knew only she and he could hear.
“You good?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper even from within the soundproof helm she wore.
He shrugged and nodded. “Sure, I’m good. You?”
She also nodded, though Adam had an inkling it was slightly forced. “I’m good.”
He nodded his head again anyway. “Good.” But beyond either of them being good individually, his real concern was deeper than the surface. He ventured to ask, “…Are we good, sarge?”
She didn’t answer for some seconds. But when she did, he felt his lungs breathe easier. “Yeah… yeah we’re good,” she said before adding after several more seconds. “Right?”
A question. Was she seeking his consent? Then perhaps her words from before – her words he had thought were lip-service to social decorum – were in fact true. Then, was she saying she acknowledged her honest fault in the situation? He wasn’t expecting that from the unflagging Lillith Bucannon…
He also took a few moments to respond. Truth was, he wasn’t sure. He wanted to be good… and he knew he shouldn’t blame her for something she didn’t – couldn’t – know…
“Right… yeah.”
“Good.” She nodded again, a magic breath - felt more than heard - tickling his ear.
They continued on in silence for some time.
With the added speed of their combat suits, the two mile trek took them only around ten minutes without fatigue to reach Bush Viper’s last known. They were in a forested area, though the area had clearly been the scene of some battle, as many trees were scorched, with chunks missing consistent with bullet rounds and magical discharge, their infrared vision giving them a perfect view of the carnage.
Warszawski gave the signal and the lot of them fanned out, securing the perimeter and checking for hostiles or friendlies... if any were there to be found. Meanwhile, the captain stooped to check the scene from a closer distance. Adam, Lillith and corporal Connors kept next to him, both for operational safety and for function, as Connor’s photomancy and Hill’s dampening could only stretch so far from themselves.
“So, what do you think?” Connors asked, his voice slightly strained from the effort of keeping nearly a dozen others under the effect of his magic. “We lookin’ at casualties?”
Warszawski pursed his lips for a moment before shaking his head. “If there are any, they aren’t ours.” He pointed to a patch of ground. “Blood, but it ain’t human.”
They took his word for it; his enhanced tracking skills allowed the man to see things other people could not, including things that would otherwise be unnoticeable to the naked eye. Strictly speaking, it was an observational skill based in magic. By identifying the many variables of a given location, he could piece the scene together like a video in his head. It was a terrifying ability. It was how the man had learned his now ex-wife had been cheating on him while he was on tour in Middle East. Adam wondered if a skill like that was more of a curse than a gift.
“Looks like,” Warszawski began, standing and moving to investigate the scene from a different angle, his helmet turning this way and that, “they were sitting down, eating. They were ambushed…” he pointed in different directions. “Looks like a dozen hostiles came in from all sides. Three were shot, another three were hit a fire spell…” That explained the charring.
“But the weird thing is the hostiles,” Warszawski said with, confusion clear in his voice. “The spell was big and should have caught the nearby trees on fire. But they’re only lightly burnt.”
Adam looked at said trees and couldn’t even tell they’d been touched by a flame.
Warszawski’s eyes returned to the ground, his feet tracing the invisible steps of one who had come before. “They managed to subdue the recon team…” he stopped and touched the ground again. “Blood. Human this time. The recon team had injuries.”
“How bad?” asked, Hezekiah Nance, one of two combat medics in the squad. His masked gaze could be felt sharpening every time injuries were mentioned.
“Nothing major. Not enough blood to be life-threatening… at least as far as I can see. But I wouldn’t bank on it.”
“You don’t trust your own eyes, cap?” Lillith asked with a smile audible in her voice.
Warszawski nodded with an exasperated sigh. “Oh, I do. But the conclusions I come to up here may be incorrect.” He said tapping his forehead for emphasis. “I can only work with information I see, and as you know, there’s a lot of information that doesn’t manifest visually. A single missed detail could completely change my conclusion.”
“Then their injuries could be life-threatening,” Nance realized with a frown. “We need to move fast then.”
Warszawski nodded. “Agreed. After the attack, the hostiles restrain the recon team, collect the wounded and head… that way.” His mask follows the invisible path on the forest floor leading deeper into the forest in a southerly direction. "Tracks show we're a few hours behind."
“Then we need to move now,” Conners exclaimed, "before they get any further ahead."
"Yeah," The Scotsman stood and signaled the others forward. "Alright Specter, let's move. Double time!"

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.